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Category:
Published: July 2006
For one to succeed at the buffet table, he must submit to tactics and methods utilized by the military because, let's face it - it's war out there!
This guide will lay out the war plan in five sections:
I. Preparation
II. Reconnaissance
III. Initial Attack
IV. Repelling and overcoming various forms of adversity on the front line
V. Assessment
I will endeavor to make you the very best at your favorite form of consumption-buffets! I want to prepare you so well for combat that I literally shake with fear when I am sitting at a buffet table and see you walking through the door. This is not to be taken lightly because "light" you won't be after you follow this program.
I. Preparation:
One must prepare for this mission weeks ahead of time.
1. Workouts and Exercise is foremost; our feet and legs must be in tip top shape. The last thing we want to happen is to "cramp up" as we spring from our own seat to capture the latest hot steaming pan of shrimp coming through the kitchen door.
2. Fasting-there is a double benefit from this technique. Fast for 12-24 hours before combat and you will not only be in tip-top "empty" shape, you will also garner the praise of your friends for being so spiritual.
3. Placement-Upon arriving at the restaurant, park as close to the entrance as possible because upon your departure you will be unable to walk great distances.
II. Reconnaissance:
1. Selecting a position-scan the battle field noting not only the door when the food comes from but the position of your competitors as well. Don't be deceived by size, some "Barney Fife" types can be just as formidable as 300 pounders. Return your focus to the food door. You must select a position facing that door and never lose sight of it. Your position must also be the shortest distance to the buffet table. Now do several stretches as you will need all the physical gifts God has given you to defeat your adversary and to get optimal seating.
2. Decoys-Don't be sucked in by the establishment on your first assault. You have two forces at work here, your competitors and fatigue.
III. Initial Attack:
It is essential that you are not sidetracked once you arrive on the battlefield. It is your mission to consume as much of the costly items (shrimp, prime rib, crab legs, and so on) while limiting "fillers" like rice, potatoes, and bread. These filler items cost about 2 cents per serving, you want items you could in no way afford to eat in such vast amounts at home. Your goal is not only to defeat your enemy but to take as much prime territory as possible. That being said, patience is key. Do not load up on carbs, wait for the protein-it will be out and you have to be ready for it.
IV. Adversity on the front line:
Out come the shrimp and you lose the footrace to the frontline, finding an adversary firmly entrenched. We will review several techniques to combat these unfortunate situations.
1) Garlic Gobble - the seasoned veteran pops two or three cloves of garlic in his mouth upon entering the battlefield. He is focused and ready for combat. He steps as closely as possible behind his adversary and comments on how nice his shirt looks while breathing heavily. A second attack may be necessary to remove him from his trench.
2) Assault from the rear-preparation for this assault primarily involves beans-and plenty of them- the day before the battle. I won't get into detail. I will only comment it is a very effective technique as your adversary has to with not only air contamination but terrifying noises as well. It is important you immediately turn around to look puzzled as to where the attack is coming from as not to implicate yourself.
3) Ground zero contamination-in the unlikely event the previous techniques fail to eliminate your competition, there is one method, only to be used in cases of life and death. It is the H-bomb of buffet combat. Discretely inhale a small portion of pepper while positioning yourself behind your adversary and close to the battlefield. Now let go a mighty blast of a sneeze. Your opponent's neck is slathered while the bulk of the barrage is neatly dispersed over prime targets like napalm-mission accomplished! Any further assault from your enemy is thwarted. Be sure to apologize immediately to all in the area for your uncontrollable (ha-ha) outburst. Once all competitors have left the battle field be sure to load up, after all that slop covering all that stuff came out of your mouth, its just going back in anyway! Well done!
Some additional combat tips:
Capturing the King - king crab legs that is! Let's assume you have the unbelievable good fortune to arrive at the buffet table at the exact same time as the crab legs-Hallelujah! This is no time to be proud, have no shame-this is the best assault opportunity you will encounter. Shamelessly gather up as many crab legs your plate can hold and don't be intimidated by glares or snide remarks. On one occasion as I piled high a female gladiator behind me sarcastically commented where are the crab legs? I spun around plate in hand and enthusiastically exclaimed "they're right here!" Baggers-this is an opportunity to eliminate a competitor completely from the battlefield. Baggers are the lowest form of life, unable to "hold their own" with the competition they resort to bringing in plastic bags to collect various items for their "dog," if you know what I mean. If you observe this atrocity, discretely alert the management of the offensive behavior - this is an excellent way to eliminate one of your adversaries as the culprit will be promptly ushered out the door. I have to caution you it is of utmost importance the bagger doesn't know it was you who ratted him out as in all likelihood you'll be riding home on rims.
V. Final Assessment
If you were well prepared, focused and gave 100% take pride in yourself as you slowly ease through the doorway and briefly turn around to note the jubilant faces of the employees as they bid you farewell-they are just as happy to see you going out the door as you were walking in. And amid the burps and stomach groans take pride in yourself-you came, you saw and you conquered. And as you ease into your car proudly release your seatbelt just a little bit further. Oh, the joys of victory are sweet!
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